Full Of Grace
by gf7
Summary: Scott struggles with his darkness while Jean works to give him the perfect Christmas.


FULL OF GRACE  
  
  
You wonder how much more you can take after awhile. Especially when the weight of everything seems to be not so much on your shoulders but rather your back.  
  
That's how I've felt lately. I'm trying so hard to find some balance but that means actually touching what is inside of me and I can't.  
  
I'm scared. Even I know that.  
  
It's so very cold inside. Like everything is dead.  
  
And that's what the insides of Apocalypse feel like. Bereft of everything. Just cold and dark. So much hate. It eats you up. It leaves you wasted.  
  
That's me and I don't want to touch it again even if that means finding a way out of this hell. Because what if it doesn't? What if it just destroys the rest of my humanity? What if it makes me so cold that I don't care who I hurt?  
  
God, what of Jean?  
  
She said that our connection would never be broken and she's right. I don't believe that I could ever stop loving her. But I could hurt her. I could let the pain in me out and I could allow it to become a horrible monster. And I could destroy her.  
  
That's within me.  
  
And that alone is what chills me pure down to the bone. Ice cold. I could hurt her so easily and then what?  
  
I'd hate myself worse but really would that be so different?  
  
***  
  
"It's ten feet tall," Lorna Dane exclaimed as she looked at the monstrous tree. "It's never going to fit in the front door."  
  
"So we'll take it through the hanger," Jean Grey said with a grin. "But it's perfect. You can't not see it. You can't not smile at it, right?"  
  
Lorna chuckled, "Yeah..that's true..okay, so how much is it going to cost?"  
  
Jean wrinkled her nose and then reached into her wallet and pulled out a gold coloured credit card. "Warren gave me this."  
  
Lorna grinned. "Nice."  
  
***  
  
"How do you feel today, Scott?" Charles Xavier asked, looking up at the boy he had long considered his son. The boy looked tired and worn down. His eyes had dark bags under them.  
  
"I'm good, sir."   
  
"You lie so easily," Xavier said, coming around the desk. "We should talk soon. Try to work this out."  
  
"Sir, you've always let us all find our way through our own problems...please let me now. I'll be alright."  
  
Xavier studied his young leader for a moment and then nodded. "Because you ask it and I've always had trouble denying you anything. But find your way soon, son..before you lose the path completely."  
  
***  
  
It's two days before Christmas and there are lights everywhere. Jean and Lorna have really gone crazy. Even my room has little red and green bulbs dancing around it. She's in a good mood these days and I can't keep my eyes from tracking her, trying to understand.  
  
Things are so rough and unexplained between us. We have moments of absolute calm and tranquility but then it's like everything is gone and we can barely even see each other. I reach out for her. She reaches out for me. We don't connect.  
  
But she's smiling. Ear to ear. And even singing.  
  
And then she'll sweep up to me, almost gliding across the floor and she'll kiss me. Hard and firm on the lips. And then she'll giggle like a little school girl. I don't get. I don't pretend to.  
  
I know she can see me watching her with confusion. She just smiles at me and something inside of me explodes. Even if only for a second. It's like a spark strikes. It doesn't really come alive but it still purrs like I'm trying to come to life.  
  
I just don't get it.  
  
What is she up to?  
  
***  
  
"The dreams are real," Jean said softly, removing her hands from her friends' temples. "And I honestly don't understand them myself. They do seem so real. More than just dreams."  
  
"What does that mean?" Lorna pleaded. "Is he trying to tell me something? Is someone fucking with me again? Am I just losing it?"  
  
"I don't know," Jean admitted. "But we will figure it out. We will get to the bottom of this. And if Alex is trying to get in touch with you..we'll find a way to respond. I promise." She reached out and squeezed her friends' hand.  
  
Lorna quickly wiped tears from her eyes. "Sorry..I didn't mean to bother you with this..just too many nights spent waking up screaming for him.."  
  
"I know..I've been picking up your thoughts for the last few nights," Jean said softly.  
  
"Sorry," Lorna apologized, rather sheepishly.  
  
"Don't be. Something is going on. It'll be okay. In the meanwhile..you want to do something to distract yourself?"  
  
Lorna perked up. "Sure. Anything. Just name it."  
  
***  
  
"Logan," Scott said, stepping outside. His intention was just to get some fresh air. He hadn't expected to see the Canadian.  
  
"Summers," Wolverine replied gruffly between puffs of his cigar. He reached into his jacket and offered one to the X-Men leader. Scott stared at it for a moment and then finally took it.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"Let me cut it," Logan said, reaching over and using one of his blades to trim the end of it. Then he offered Scott a Zippo. "Problems?"  
  
"Same old," Scott said, not really wanting to talk.  
  
"Still in your head?"  
  
"Yeah," Scott admitted, taking a deep hit from the cigar. It was rough and toxic. Logan's style of course.  
  
"Could be worse."  
  
"Yeah? Really?" Scott asked dubiously.  
  
"Sure," Logan said, turning towards him. He tossed the butt of the cigar down and ground into the cement. "You could be alone but you're not. One of these days you'll get that."  
  
And with that, he walked away.  
  
And Scott wondered when he and Wolverine had changed places in their life. Time had been that Logan had been the one resisting family.  
  
Funny how life never really stopped kicking you in the ass.  
  
***  
  
It's Christmas Eve and it's snowing outside. It's gonna be a cold one. You wouldn't know it here. Every fireplace is raging and there's enough coffee and hot cocoa to keep an entire college caffeinated and content.  
  
I've spent most of the day away from everyone. Too many kids jumping around. They're all giddy. I remember that feeling.  
  
This place feels like a train station. X-Men past and present have been bustling in and out of here for the last two days like crazy. And the women and their shopping. Gads.  
  
Between Jean, Ororo and Lorna, there is simply nothing left at any of the malls. The three of them have become the united great entity known as Santa Claus and they really are taking it seriously. The last couple of nights have been spent watching Jean wrap gifts relentlessly. Hundreds of them.  
  
I swear anyways.  
  
And she is still in a good mood.  
  
She still leans over me and kisses me like we were just married. It's weird. She embraces me and touches my face. I feel every thought she has in just the way she touches me. I'm still trying to understand.  
  
I hear a knock at the door and I turn towards it. I knew that sooner or later someone would come for me. I am the leader of the X-Men...I can't hide forever. Sighing deeply, I lean across and open the door.  
  
"Ororo?"  
  
***  
  
She swept into the room, her grace making her seem like she was gliding. She gazed patiently at her old friend. "Are you going to come down and celebrate with us?"  
  
"Not much to celebrate this year," Scott replied, sitting on the bed.  
  
"Nonsense," Ororo insisted. "We're all alive. And you're home and safe."  
  
"Am I?"  
  
Ororo reached across and touched Scott's chest, "No matter what coldness is in here, you are still alive and thus capable of love. And in return, have no doubt..you are loved."  
  
"It doesn't always feel like that."  
  
"I know but believe me when I say that you have a woman who loves you more than anyone has ever believed possible. You will never be alone. You will always have her. And you will always have us."  
  
Scott nodded, "In my head..I know that. I can feel Jean all that time..she's reaching out for me..I just..I'm scared if I let her in..she'll touch it."  
  
Ororo nodded, understandingly. "Scott..I wonder..have you talked to Warren?"  
  
"Warren?" Scott queried, looking up, a bit confused.  
  
"Yes. Did he not also have his life destroyed by Apocalypse? Was he not also touched by that creatures' horrific evil? Was he not also transformed into something grotesque because of him?"  
  
Scott stopped. Then, finally he murmured, "Yes..but.."  
  
"No..but..perhaps you are not as alone as you would think. Perhaps you just have not seen the proper lights to lead you from this madness."  
  
And the handsome man known as Cyclops nodded. "Perhaps not."  
  
***  
  
Jean slipped into her friends' room and shut the door behind her. "Did you get it?"  
  
Lorna laughed. "Yes. Of course. It wasn't easy though. And I thought finding Alex the Snake Eyes GI Joe was a pain in the ass."  
  
Jean grinned and then reached out and took the small box from the green haired mistress of magnetism. "He'll like this, right?"  
  
"How could he not. It's perfect. He already knows you love him..now.."  
  
Jean smiled tiredly, "Now he'll feel it and I'll be able to feel him."  
  
***  
  
She's sleeping beside me now, so soft. I can hear her breathing. My wife doesn't snore but she does almost purr in her sleep. I touch her face and feel her skin beneath my palm. She moans a bit and turns towards me. I want to accept the embrace but my fear grips me and I resist.  
  
I look at her hair and realize how much I love it. Just like Jean. So fiery and passionate. So beautiful and soulful. One of those things that you hold up above everything else. One of those things you never let get touched by blackness.  
  
Ororo is right; I need to talk to Warren. I just don't know how to start. I don't know if he wants to walk that path again. I know I wouldn't want to. And worse, I don't know if I can get the words out.  
  
"Scott," she murmurs, pulling me to her. She won't have me breaking away from her no matter how much I try. She kisses me but I'm not quite sure that she's even awake. Maybe she just knows me..even in her sleep.  
  
*You think too much, Summers*  
  
And she's right. And I should stop. Even my head is keeping her awake. It never stops.  
  
She rolls over then and tosses an arm and then a leg over me. She burrows into my chest.  
  
*Shut up and go to sleep.*  
  
I laugh a bit. Even her psychic voice sounds annoyed. I smooth hair away from her face. And then I close my eyes and let sleep take me, content for now to be lying in her arms.  
  
***  
  
Just like kids, the younger students were downstairs and around the packed Christmas tree but 8AM. They shook boxes and gazed at the wrapping paper, trying to guess what they would open in a few hours.  
  
The older ones, the actual X-Men began to come down around 10. Ororo was the first and she slipped quietly into the kitchen to start the coffee.  
  
"I love this," Xavier said from behind her.  
  
Like normal children," Ororo said with a smile.  
  
"Except we're not normal, "Scott interjected as he slipped into the kitchen. He was still wearing his night goggles.  
  
"True enough but for today..is there an actual distinction?"  
  
Scott shrugged. "I suppose not."  
  
"Merry Christmas, Scott," Xavier said with a smile.  
  
"Same to you, sir." He reached over and took a mug of coffee. "Jean will be down shortly. She was showering."  
  
"Good..then you can help me cook," Logan said as he entered. His hair was going everywhere and he was unshaven. Reaching onto the counter, he located the spatula and flipped it to Scott. "Let's go, Summers."  
  
***  
  
"So why did you bring me out here alone?" Scott queried, looking around. They had walked out to the dock by the river which was frozen solid.  
  
"To give you my present," Jean said, kissing his cheek.  
  
He lifted an eyebrow, "It's that racy?"  
  
Jean laughed and swatted at him. "No silly, it's just private."  
  
"Okay..because I still haven't given you my gift.."  
  
"That can wait for now..trust me..it'll still be there when we get back and you'll still make out very nice for whatever it is.."  
  
It was Scott's turn to laugh.  
  
*Your mind. The gutter.*  
  
*Always my love. Now shush.*  
  
"Okay..then show me," Scott said, sitting down on the dock. She follow suit, reaching out to take his arm. With her other hand, she removed a small box from the inside of her overcoat. Reaching into it, she removed a glass orb.  
  
"What is that?"  
  
"It's called the Destiny Orb but I don't think that fits. Legend has it that it was given to a couple many many years ago as a wedding gift. When they both touched it, they became more a part of each other then they had ever imagined."  
  
"And the tragedy?"  
  
Jean laughed. "No tragedy, my love. They died together, happy and contented. And very old. And very much still in love."  
  
"Where did it come from?"  
  
"No one really knows. Some legends say that Aphrodite created it for Cupid and Psyche...hard to say." She held it up and it glowed a bright red. "You in?"  
  
"Jean..honey..I don't know..there are things..parts of me you shouldn't see.."  
  
"I want to see it all, Scott. Every bit of it." Jean assured him, squeezing his hand.  
  
He shook his head, "No.."  
  
"For better or worse, my love. We can make it through this. Together. Scott, please.."  
  
"And what if you hate me afterwards? What if I hurt you?"  
  
She smiled. "I'm not certain of much in my life, Scott..this much I'm certain of..you could never hurt me. Please."  
  
He looked into his wife's eyes and saw nothing but love. And trust. And need. Swallowing hard, he reached out for the orb.  
  
It was cold and felt like ice but the moment he touched it, heat surged through him. It felt uncomfortable, like he was being consumed by fire but even if he had wanted to, there was no way that he could pull away.  
  
The orb surged with black the moments his fingers came in contact with it. It completely snuffed the red, spinning and whirling. But it only lasted a few seconds and then several other colours started to overtake it. Emotions. Compassion. Trust. Love.  
  
And then he saw it. The insides of her mind. Everything. He saw her soul. And she saw his. He saw her make an "o" with her mouth but she didn't try to break the link. Everything within each of them poured into the other.  
  
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the colour show inside the orb calmed and turned to a shimmering orange that eventually seeped away to reveal the glass of the orb. Jean sighed and dropped away.  
  
"Jean?" Scott exclaimed, his voice barely a whisper.  
  
She smiled up at him and then reached up to cup his cheek. "I'm okay. We're both okay." And with that, she launched herself into his arms and began to weep.  
  
Not a terrified weeping but a calming one. A cleansing one. To let all the pain out. And after a few moments, he joined her.  
  
***  
  
We returned to the mansion at just before 4 or so. Dinner was just about to be served. I saw a lot of curious looks as we entered but neither of us had any intention of letting anyone in on our little secret.  
  
Am I cleansed? No. It's all still inside of me. The cold is still there. I'm just not alone. And I feel that now. She knows everything that is me and I know everything that is her.  
  
She kissed Logan but my anger was brief because I understood why in a way that simple words and emotions could never describe. I get what happened and I understand it on a spiritual level. That sounds like bull. I can't explain how it's not.  
  
She's holding my hand as we walk in. It's not tight and possessive but rather loose and assured. I'm hers. I'm not going anywhere. She's right. She has nothing to worry about.  
  
I see Lorna look up at us. I see Jean smile. So Lorna helped. I make a mental note to find a way to help my sister-in-law. She's in so much pain. She loves my brother so much.  
  
"Scott," Jean says, calling my attention back to her. I look at her; she's never looked more beautiful. I lift an eyebrow, urging her to continue. She leans up and kisses me. "Merry Christmas, my love."  
  
And for the first time, I actually believe it might be.  
  
-FIN 


End file.
